Obviously it needs some work, the story idea is great though. If you dont mind me asking, what is your first language? If you choose to answer, you can send me a private message. I believe you did prett well for someone who is learning English. Please continue the story, practice makes perfect.

This story sounds interesting, keep it coming.

keep it coming!

wow i love this story so far and i cant wait to read more of it, i just hope you compleat it best of luck and many great chapters to come i hope.