This is a good start to your story! :) I hope you update soon~ Good luck!
taixi (Chapter 1) - Fri 24 Jul 2009
Could be good but watch out for run-on sentences and/or lack of punctuation. You have a few sentences that lack commas (but need them) and have a bunch of clauses stuck together; at the moment it reads like someone is saying a rather long thought without taking a pause to breathe. Adding a few commas where appropriate and slowing it down by breaking up the sentences should help.
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