Sorry, too lazy to login.
I think this piece really needs to be edited and re-written in parts. Sentences could be combined in most paragraphs to lighten the reading load. Also the shift is perspectives is jarring. I couldn't read beyond halfway down in the first chapter because it starts out as 2nd/3rd person perspective to a first person narrative.
An example is this:
2nd/3rd Person perspective
Kikyo and Kagome were the daughters to Lord Cho of the Eastern lands. He was the leader of the holy clan of monks and priestesses. He wanted his eldest to marry the best. The most powerful of beings.
1st Person Perspective
Sango is very brave. Though she is a demon slayer. She is an outcast just like Kagome. Sango has a giant boomerang she calls Hiraikotsu. It is made with bones of many different types of demons.
It is best to choose one perspective to write from rather than to mix them. It's really confusing for the reader, thus I couldn't quite understand what was going on further down, so I stopped reading.
A good start but it would benefit from proof-reading and possibly betating too.
Good start but it seems a little rushed to me. Keep up the good work.
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